Recap of a lifetime
by queen-of-butterflies
Summary: Katniss Everdeen never had a easy life and it only got worse once she became a victor of the hunger games. It takes her ages to admit her feelings for the boy with the bread. This is just a short oneshot about Katniss thoughts during all that happened.


**Disclaimer:**** the Characters do not belong to me but to Suzanne Collins. I am just playing with them. **

My name is Katniss Everdeen soon to be Mellark, I survived the 74th Hunger Games and the 3rd Quarter Quell. To the people of Panem I am a hero, a victor. I am the face of the rebellion, their Mockingjay. But deep inside I know that all I am is broken, shattered a shell of the girl I used to be. The only thing that keeps me going is the love of one boy, one man. He is my hero, always has been.

When we were little he threw me a loaf of bread, which he burned intentionally, so his family could not sell it at their bakery. He risked getting beaten by his own mother, just to save me. A girl he has not spoken to once in his life. He claims that he fell in love with me when he first heard me sing and the birds stopped to listen. Peeta always protected me and now I also protect him, that's what we do, protect each other.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had not volunteered for Prim, would he have still survived, would we still have found to each other. I do not know and to be honest I wouldn't have it any other way.

Many have lost their lives in the rebellion.

Cinna.

Finnick

Prim.

But they shall all be remembered by those who survived. It was a hard time for me, I was broken and without my sister and with Peeta not by my side I did not know how to keep going. I knew it was my own fault that I was sent to 12 and that I could not go anywhere else but I couldn't risk Coin being the same tyrant Snow was. I knew he would die somehow and he did. As my arrow killed Coin the people of Panem held their breath.

Seconds after that, they took me away screaming and kicking, but it didn't matter, I got my justice and once again I protected Panem. But at that time nobody knew or understood why I did what I did. The only person who didn't question my actions was Peeta. Even though he did not know if he should kill or kiss me. He did not question my actions once. He knew that I had to do it.

The months after were lonely, I was restricted to stay in District 12 but I could not stand to stay in my house in the Victors Village. So I moved to Peeta's, but even though I slept in his bed the nightmares still plagued my mind. Every time I closed my eyes I saw how Prim was taken away from me, I saw Gale's part in it. How Peeta nearly killed me after he was rescued from the Capitol.

Every night I woke up screaming and I could not remember where I was, every night I looked for Peeta after waking up, but he was not by my side. I was alone. Even though Haymitch lived next door I never saw him once. How should I? I never left the house and he did not either. The only person I saw from time to time was Greasy Sae , she brought me food she knew I would not eat, sometimes I took a bite or two to indulge her and every time there was a smile on her face afterwards.

As cruel as it sounds but I did not care for her smile all I wanted was my boy with the bread. All I wanted was Peeta back. I knew I did not deserve him, all my life I was horrible to him. I played him in the first Hunger Games, I knew his love for me was real but mine was just an act. A means to an end, I needed to survive, I needed to get back to Prim.

I think Peeta knew all along that all the kisses and hugs were just an act, but he did not say a word. Maybe he thought that these lies were to only chance he had to be near me. Now I know that I hurt him with my behavior, but how could I think about love when I did not know how to survive?

But my feelings changed during the Victory Tour, he was there for me like nobody else before. He held me at night, chased away the nightmares. I knew I was falling for him then, but I couldn't admit it, I was just so scared. Once we got home, I tried to avoid him as best as I could.

I spent all my time in the woods, with Gale. I hurt both of them. Gale because I led him on, I always know he loved me but he was just a brother to me. And Peeta because he always felt so threatened by Gale 'cause he knew that Gale was in love with me and he thought that I loved him to.

When the Capitol announced the third Quarter Quell, I was heartbroken I knew that I had to go back in the Arena, I was the only female victor District 12 had. But Peeta had a chance, they could also choose Haymitch, but as stubborn as he was I knew he would volunteer for him. It would be him and me, again.

I could not stand the thought of losing him and that was the time I knew for sure that I loved him. I was so upset that I did not admit to my feelings sooner we could have had happiness before the Quarter Quell announcement, but we did not. Because of me.

The moment Peeta told Caesar about our "baby" I broke down, because a voice in my had kept screaming at me, that it could never have a baby with him, this time only one of us could survive. And I would never knew our child would have looked like.

The minutes after I blew up the arena are still a blur, I do not really know what happened afterwards. I just knew that I kept screaming for him, I screamed his name till there was no air left in my lungs. When I woke up in the hovercraft, I could not believe that they led the capitol take him. My sweet, loyal Peeta.

It broke me.

The day he came back was the happiest day in my life so far, but only till the moment he wrapped his hands around my throat. He hated me. He wanted to kill me and it was all my fault. The capitol tortured him because of me, because they knew he was my weakness, the one thing I could not bear to lose.

I cannot remember much about my time in District 13 it is like my brain wants me to forget all the horrible things he said to me. After Prim's death I did not care for my life anymore, that is one of the reason why I was the one to shoot Coin. They could do nothing to punish me. Like Johanna once said there is no one left that I love. I felt like my mother did not even care that Prim died, since my father's death she has not been the same. I was all alone

Unfortunately they did not kill me, they came to the conclusion that I was crazy and then they sent me back to 12. The months before Peeta's return were horrible and even after he was back I did not get better. I refused to talk to him, not because I was scared of him. Because I was scared that I would lose him too and I could not stand the thought of him leaving me after he realized how damaged I was.

It took Peeta two years to convince me that he would not leave me. Slowly we grew back together and summer day I took him to the lake. One year later he proposed to me.

And here I am only one hour away from becoming Mrs. Peeta Mellark.


End file.
